Andy Borowitz Quotes
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Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
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Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.