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It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I'd been awake for three weeks and didn't know any of the naked people passed out around me.
P. J. O'Rourke
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You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I had grown up as a feature writer, and basically my career had been in The National Lampoon and as a magazine editor, and I'd never been a reporter.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Most of the people who have grabbed hold of climate change and greenhouse gases, pollution, oil dependency - they have another motive, and their motive is to attain the appearance of virtue without having actually done anything virtuous.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Masochists are people that have pleasure confused with pain. In a world that has television confused with entertainment, doritoes confused with food, and Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are clearly less mixed-up than the rest of us.
P. J. O'Rourke
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From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.
P. J. O'Rourke -
In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election
P. J. O'Rourke -
Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Then there's politics. Just imagine politics with its dumbbell element subtracted. There would be no Republican candidates. There would be no Democratic voters. The whole system would collapse.
P. J. O'Rourke -
My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.
P. J. O'Rourke
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When are the world's political parties going to get appropriate symbols: snake, louse, jackal, ... trash can, clown face, ... dollar bill with bat wings on it?
P. J. O'Rourke -
A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.
P. J. O'Rourke -
There's such a self-conscious balance that goes into television. Also, these are not people that think things through.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The Constitution is an equally forthright piece of work and quite succinct ... giving the complete operating instructions for a nation of 250 million people. The manual for a Toyota Camry, which only seats five, is four times as long.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Hunter S. Thompson brings a lunatic genius to ordinary events, and I bring an ordinary sensibility to lunatic events.
P. J. O'Rourke -
You'll note that politicians no longer spend money, they invest it. Don't worry about paying more to the [IRS]. You aren't being taxed; you're taking a plunge on a fly-by-night stock issue.
P. J. O'Rourke
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Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.
P. J. O'Rourke -
If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find something to be mad about. It's not really the way I approach things.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
P. J. O'Rourke -
So what if I don't agree with the Democrats? What's to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don't believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway.
P. J. O'Rourke