P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
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From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.
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If we do our deficit spending on weapons, at least we get weapons. Then if we need weapons, we have them. If we don't need them, no harm is done.
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The wise traveler [to Beirut] will pack shirts or blouses with ample breast pockets. Reaching inside a jacket for your passport looks too much like going for the draw and puts armed men out of countinence
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Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.
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Then there's politics. Just imagine politics with its dumbbell element subtracted. There would be no Republican candidates. There would be no Democratic voters. The whole system would collapse.
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Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.
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Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman.
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For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.
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It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy.
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My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.
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The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns'n'Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes.
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There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed.... Trouble doesn't come from Slopes, Kikes, Niggers, Spics or White Capitalist Pigs; it comes from the heart.
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If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find something to be mad about. It's not really the way I approach things.
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Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."
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We are a nation that worships speed and power. And for good reason. Without power we would still be part of England and everybody would be out of work... Bicycles are too slow and impuissant for a nation like ours. They belong in Czechoslovakia.
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This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you.
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Oh, God. The Sixties are coming back. Well I've got a 12-gauge double-barreled duck gun chambered for three-inch Magnum shells. And - speaking strictly for this retired hippie and former pinko beatnik - if the Sixties head my way, they won't get past the porch steps. They will be history. Which, for chrissakes, is what they're supposed to be.
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There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29.
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The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.
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The dominant type of humor in the '60s was essentially defensive and self-deprecating, using humor as a shield.
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A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.
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A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
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I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a wonderful personality" really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask.