Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
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Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
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Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.
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A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.
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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.
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Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
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To the eye of failure success is an accident.
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Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both - as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.
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Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
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Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
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An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.
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Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
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Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
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'There's no free will,' says the philosopher; 'To hang is most unjust.''There is no free will,' assents the officer; 'We hang because we must.'
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Twice, adv. Once too often.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
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Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.