Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.
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Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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Once, adj. Enough.
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Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
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Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
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Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
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The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.
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If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
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Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
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Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven 
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
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When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.
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The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men-were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.
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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
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The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
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Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
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Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.