Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
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Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
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A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.
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Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
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Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
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This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.
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Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
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If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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O proud philanthropist, your hope is vainTo get by giving what you lost by gain.
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Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
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Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
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Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
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The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.
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Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
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Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.