Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
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Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.
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The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
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Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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'There's no free will,' says the philosopher; 'To hang is most unjust.''There is no free will,' assents the officer; 'We hang because we must.'
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
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True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked 'Unknown,' and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in 'honoring the memory' of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.
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Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.
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Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
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In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.