Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
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The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
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Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
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Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
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Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
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Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
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Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
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Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
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White, adj. and n. Black.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.