Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense
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White, adj. and n. Black.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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'There's no free will,' says the philosopher; 'To hang is most unjust.''There is no free will,' assents the officer; 'We hang because we must.'
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Once, adj. Enough.
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Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
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Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
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Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
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Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
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Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.