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Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.
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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked 'Unknown,' and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in 'honoring the memory' of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.
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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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Twice, adv. Once too often.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
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Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
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Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
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Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
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Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense
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While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.
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Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!
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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
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This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.
Ambrose Bierce