Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
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Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
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Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.
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Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked 'Unknown,' and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in 'honoring the memory' of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.
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Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!
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Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.