Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
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The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
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Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.
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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
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Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
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Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
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Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.