Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.
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Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
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Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
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In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
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Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
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Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
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To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil.
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The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
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Once, adj. Enough.
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If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
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Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.