Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
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Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
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A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.
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If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
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Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
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The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.
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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.
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O proud philanthropist, your hope is vainTo get by giving what you lost by gain.
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Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
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Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
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Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
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Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
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Hers, pron. His.
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Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven 
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Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
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Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
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The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men-were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.
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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested
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If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
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Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [
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Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.