Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
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Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
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Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven 
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Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
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A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.
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Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
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Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
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Hers, pron. His.
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Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested
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Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
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If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
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Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
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Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
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Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [
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Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
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Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.
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Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.