Bill Burr Quotes
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Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans - if any of that had been filmed like Adolf Hitler, we'd never live it down.
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I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes "no you didn't feature, you co-hosted". He literally invented a term so he didn't have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!
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Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"
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I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.
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I've had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
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I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
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I don't mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I've been pretty busy lately. But I've had it the other way, where I'm staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better.
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I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.
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I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
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Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
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Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn't work out. But maybe because it didn't work out, that's why I ended up on 'Breaking Bad;' I don't know.
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I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me.
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You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.
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I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.
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I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it.
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I mean, stand up you're by yourself and it's live and when you're acting, unless you're doing a monologue, you're interacting with somebody else. Even if you're doing a monologue you're saying it to somebody and it's not live so you can do it a few times.
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You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.
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I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in.
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There are no winners in this election 2016. I paid attention to it for about two months and then it just started to depress me. At least Hillary's Clinton a politician, but the fact that you've got a guy from a reality TV show! I have to say, out of everything I've ever watched in sports - the greatest comebacks ever - watching Donald Trump get the nomination for the Republican Party is the most astounding thing I've ever seen.
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I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
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I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear.
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It's a blue-collar city Manchester that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out.