Bill Burr Quotes
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I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes "no you didn't feature, you co-hosted". He literally invented a term so he didn't have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!
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Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"
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Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.
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I've had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories.
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I don't mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I've been pretty busy lately. But I've had it the other way, where I'm staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better.
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I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
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I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
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I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle.
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Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
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I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
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Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn't work out. But maybe because it didn't work out, that's why I ended up on 'Breaking Bad;' I don't know.
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I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me.
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I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.
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You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.
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I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it.
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I mean, stand up you're by yourself and it's live and when you're acting, unless you're doing a monologue, you're interacting with somebody else. Even if you're doing a monologue you're saying it to somebody and it's not live so you can do it a few times.
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I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.
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I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in.
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My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
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I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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It's a blue-collar city Manchester that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out.
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What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?