Elayne Boosler Quotes
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President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!
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I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.
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My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
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What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
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I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
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We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.
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Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
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I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.
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I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
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When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
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As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.
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Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.
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When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
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There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
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We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
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Horse racing is waning in popularity.
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Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
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You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
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I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
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People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.