Artie Lange Quotes
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Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
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When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
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I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
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I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.
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You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.
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Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.
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I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
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When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't f*^k you, but the Jets will always f*^k you.
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And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
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Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
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Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
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I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.
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Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.
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I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
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To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!
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When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
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In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
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I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.
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I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.
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You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'
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It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
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When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
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Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
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For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.