Aziz Ansari Quotes
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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
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I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.
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If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
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With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody.
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I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
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No one's trying to get with jugglers.
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I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!
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Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
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I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
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Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.
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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.
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Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
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I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
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Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
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I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
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I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
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You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'
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Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
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I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.