Aziz Ansari Quotes
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I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
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My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
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Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
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Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie.
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I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
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I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
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What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
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When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
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London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up.
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No one's trying to get with jugglers.
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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
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The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff.
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When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted.
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If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
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Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
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If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.
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Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
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I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
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She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.
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I prefer being totally sober myself.
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I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?
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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.