Aziz Ansari Quotes
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If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
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No one's trying to get with jugglers.
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I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.
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Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.
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I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!
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It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.
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Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
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Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?
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Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
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I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
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I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
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I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.
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Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
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I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
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If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
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I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
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Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
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If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.
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What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
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Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.