Aziz Ansari Quotes
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Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?
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When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
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Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.
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I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!
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No one's trying to get with jugglers.
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If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
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Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.
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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
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With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody.
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I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
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I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
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Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
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I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.
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Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
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Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
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I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
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I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
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I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
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Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.
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You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'