Aziz Ansari Quotes
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Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
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You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.
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You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'
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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?
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Every single person, pretty much, is taught what they're supposed to do: go to school, get a job, find someone to love, get married, have kids, raise the kids, and then die. Nobody questions that. What if you want to do something different?
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Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
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Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
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I know my fan base is a smart group of people.
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For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
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I never had the desire to be a professional Twitterer. Every now and then something dumb pops into my head and I'll tweet it. I don't feel any obligation to respond to everyone. Not that I don't appreciate people sending me messages on there, but there are too many. Responding to everyone would take away time for all the stuff I'm actually in the business for [stand-up or scripts].
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The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'
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If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.
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It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small!
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I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with them and wanting to hang out with them all of the time.
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Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
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I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
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What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
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You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.
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I think absurdist humor is funny...
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If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.
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After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.
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One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
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Other than friends and family, my favorite things are New York and stand-up. I love doing comedy in New York - I can do way more stand-up here than in Los Angeles.
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I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had.