Aziz Ansari Quotes
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I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat.
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This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.
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I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'"
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I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.
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Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
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Come cook food with me and do nothing.
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Some comedians will tour and do these classic bits all the time. But now with YouTube and Comedy Central, people see your stuff, and they don't want to hear you do that again.
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When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
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One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
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I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.
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I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.
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You don't know Jay-Z's schedule. He's a renaissance man.
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The whole idea of love is scary - so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple.
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A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.
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I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.
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Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.
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I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.
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Myself, Eric Wareheim, and Jason Woliner decided to start a Food Club where the three of us go to restaurants with a couple of other people. The three of us are the captains of the Food Club, so we have to wear the captains' hats.
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Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'Trée-trées' are entrées. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz' with a 'z' - I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cacc.' I call eggs 'pre-birds,' or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water.' Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.'
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If you look at our country's history, change doesn't come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people.
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With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes.
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Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
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Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.
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I've never done online dating.