Aziz Ansari Quotes
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Come on, man, I got a full beard!
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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.
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Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.
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I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
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At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
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Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.
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Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
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Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
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Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
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Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.
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I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
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Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
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I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.
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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?
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Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
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Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
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You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'
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To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.
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I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.