Aziz Ansari Quotes
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Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
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I prefer being totally sober myself.
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I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
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Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.
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Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
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I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.
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I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
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Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
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Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
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Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
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I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there.
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Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
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I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.
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Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.
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Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.
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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?
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You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'
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Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
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To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.
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Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
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I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.