Aziz Ansari Quotes
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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
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Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
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I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.
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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?
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To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
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Come on, man, I got a full beard!
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My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
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She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.
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Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
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Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
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Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
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Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
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Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
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Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.
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You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.
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I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
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What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
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Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
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I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.
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I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.
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Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation.
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It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.