W. C. Fields Quotes
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
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I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.