W. C. Fields Quotes
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.