W. C. Fields Quotes
-
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
-
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
-
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
-
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
-
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
-
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
-
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
-
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
-
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
-
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
-
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
-
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
-
I never met a kid I liked.
-
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
-
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
-
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
-
I must have a drink of breakfast.
-
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
-
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
-
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
-
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
-
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.