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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields -
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields -
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
W. C. Fields -
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields -
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields -
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields -
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
W. C. Fields -
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields -
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
W. C. Fields -
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields -
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields -
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
W. C. Fields -
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields -
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
W. C. Fields -
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields -
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields -
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
W. C. Fields