W. C. Fields Quotes
-
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
-
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
-
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
-
I never met a kid I liked.
-
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
-
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
-
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
-
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
-
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
-
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
-
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
-
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
-
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
-
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-
Never give a sucker an even break.
-
I drink therefore I am.
-
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
-
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
-
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
-
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
-
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
-
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
-
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.