W. C. Fields Quotes
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I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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I drink therefore I am.