W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.