W. C. Fields Quotes
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.