W. C. Fields Quotes
-
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
-
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
-
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
-
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
-
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
-
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
-
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
-
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
-
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
-
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
-
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
-
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
-
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
-
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
-
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
-
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
-
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
-
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
-
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
-
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
-
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
-
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.