My Wife Quotes
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said why should I you never put out for me.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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When they look back on me I want 'em to remember me not for all my wives, although I've had a few, and certainly not for any mansions or high livin' money I made and spent. I want 'em to remember me simply for my music.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
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My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
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Yes, we three were so happy, my wife, my guitar and me!
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I work hard to let my wife know how much I love her. I try to do that every day.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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It drives me nuts how I rely on my wife for everything. I can't imagine a day without her!
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One of the best gifts my wife could ever give me was my two little boys.
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.