My Wife Quotes
-
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Jack Roy -
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Jack Roy
-
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
Milton Berle -
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Jack Roy -
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Jack Roy -
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Jack Roy -
Cardinal John O'Connor had my wife Margot and me over for drinks a couple of times. That was something I never could have envisioned back when I was a kid in Boston, that a cardinal and I would be, if not breaking bread, at least breaking Scotch.
Nat Hentoff -
To my wife 'I told you I was sick'.
Lou Holtz
-
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Jack Roy -
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
Jack Roy -
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
Jack Roy -
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Jack Roy
-
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
Jack Roy -
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
Jack Roy -
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Jack Roy -
He was screaming like my wife.
Mike Tyson -
I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
Eric Morecambe -
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Jack Roy
-
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
Jack Roy -
My personal time is limited, more so than I wish. However, my wife and I have talked about the fact that there are opportunities right now that won't be there forever. For example, when the Grateful Dead offered me to tour in 2004, my first reaction was to say no, I just can't do it. Then my wife said, "Well, let's rethink this. You don't want to look back down the road and say, I could've done that, but I said no." So, we made it work.
Warren Haynes The Allman Brothers Band -
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
Jack Roy -
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
Jack Roy