My Wife Quotes
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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Cardinal John O'Connor had my wife Margot and me over for drinks a couple of times. That was something I never could have envisioned back when I was a kid in Boston, that a cardinal and I would be, if not breaking bread, at least breaking Scotch.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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To my wife 'I told you I was sick'.
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He was screaming like my wife.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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My personal time is limited, more so than I wish. However, my wife and I have talked about the fact that there are opportunities right now that won't be there forever. For example, when the Grateful Dead offered me to tour in 2004, my first reaction was to say no, I just can't do it. Then my wife said, "Well, let's rethink this. You don't want to look back down the road and say, I could've done that, but I said no." So, we made it work.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My wife doesn't even want to spend 2 hours with me.
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I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
