My Wife Quotes
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I found out - the paper used to go to bed on Tues - on Monday. I found out that on Monday nights, the editors would cut out - literally cut out passages, sometimes whole paragraphs, of some of the writers that might possibly offend blacks, lesbians, gays, radicals. And I wrote a couple of columns about that. And they're - of course, they were annoyed that I had written about it, but, I mean, it - another example - and my wife Margot always also conjured that.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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To my wife 'I told you I was sick'.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I knew A.J. Muste very well. I tried for a while to be like he was, and that is a total pacifist. But then Margot my wife hit me hard in the stomach one day to prove to me that I wasn't as perfect a pacifist as I thought I was.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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He was screaming like my wife.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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My wife is been extremely supportive and when doubt creeps in, she's there pushing me along. She's helped me move up here, get all of my furniture and brought all my groceries. That's what marriage is about: supporting each other and helping each other reach our fullest potential.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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The mistake that I made was that I was engaged in a consensual relationship with a woman who was not my wife. That is a mistake for which I am very sorry.
