My Wife Quotes
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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To my wife 'I told you I was sick'.
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I knew A.J. Muste very well. I tried for a while to be like he was, and that is a total pacifist. But then Margot my wife hit me hard in the stomach one day to prove to me that I wasn't as perfect a pacifist as I thought I was.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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One of the best gifts my wife could ever give me was my two little boys.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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The mistake that I made was that I was engaged in a consensual relationship with a woman who was not my wife. That is a mistake for which I am very sorry.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My personal time is limited, more so than I wish. However, my wife and I have talked about the fact that there are opportunities right now that won't be there forever. For example, when the Grateful Dead offered me to tour in 2004, my first reaction was to say no, I just can't do it. Then my wife said, "Well, let's rethink this. You don't want to look back down the road and say, I could've done that, but I said no." So, we made it work.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
