My Wife Quotes
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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I knew A.J. Muste very well. I tried for a while to be like he was, and that is a total pacifist. But then Margot my wife hit me hard in the stomach one day to prove to me that I wasn't as perfect a pacifist as I thought I was.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I found out - the paper used to go to bed on Tues - on Monday. I found out that on Monday nights, the editors would cut out - literally cut out passages, sometimes whole paragraphs, of some of the writers that might possibly offend blacks, lesbians, gays, radicals. And I wrote a couple of columns about that. And they're - of course, they were annoyed that I had written about it, but, I mean, it - another example - and my wife Margot always also conjured that.
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To my wife 'I told you I was sick'.
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He was screaming like my wife.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My personal time is limited, more so than I wish. However, my wife and I have talked about the fact that there are opportunities right now that won't be there forever. For example, when the Grateful Dead offered me to tour in 2004, my first reaction was to say no, I just can't do it. Then my wife said, "Well, let's rethink this. You don't want to look back down the road and say, I could've done that, but I said no." So, we made it work.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
