My Wife Quotes
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Cardinal John O'Connor had my wife Margot and me over for drinks a couple of times. That was something I never could have envisioned back when I was a kid in Boston, that a cardinal and I would be, if not breaking bread, at least breaking Scotch.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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My wife doesn't even want to spend 2 hours with me.
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I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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My wife gives good headache.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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My wife and kids maybe beg to differ, but I am generally a good guy.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I met my wife by breaking two of my rules: never date a girl seriously that you meet at a nightclub and never date a fan.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
