My Wife Quotes
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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He was screaming like my wife.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I am willing to remain and play the man's game if there are not enough boats for more than the women and children. Tell my wife I played the game straight out and to the end. No woman shall be left aboard this ship because Ben Guggenheim is a coward.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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My wife doesn't even want to spend 2 hours with me.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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Cardinal John O'Connor had my wife Margot and me over for drinks a couple of times. That was something I never could have envisioned back when I was a kid in Boston, that a cardinal and I would be, if not breaking bread, at least breaking Scotch.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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It's not in my nature to chop people's heads off, per se, or rob a bank or any crazy thing I've done on screen. I'm just comfortable reading a book or spending time with my wife and my daughter or watching the fight on TV with the fellas.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
