Bill Engvall Quotes
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Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called 'Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper.' Just how 'rapidly' are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play 'Beat the Clock' in the thicket.
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Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
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I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.
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I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.
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My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.
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America loves to watch people growing and getting better.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My bad!'.
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I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school.'
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If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.
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There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.
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I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
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about his son Travis
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Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)
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Now That's Awesome (2000)
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while snow-skiing with his family
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at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.
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There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.
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Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.
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I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.