Bill Engvall Quotes
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about how people in the 90's used 'awesome' wrongly
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I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.
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about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs
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I'm a big animal fanatic.
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Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner
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I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.
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When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'
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Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck
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I used to hunt and fish.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'
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As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:
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I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
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Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
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after watching the food teasing scene in '9 1/2 Weeks'
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On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
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after drunkenly getting his ear pierced
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Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
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Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.
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In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.
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Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.
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playing golf with his friends
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No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.