Bill Engvall Quotes
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As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:
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I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
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at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.
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Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.
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at the beach
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You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
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On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
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When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'
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Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.
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Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.
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Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
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I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.
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I am feeling older every day.
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I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.
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There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.
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I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.
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I'm a big animal fanatic.
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Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, 'Hey...' (pantomimes hitting his son) 'We don't hit'. He looked at me like, 'Here's your sign, Dad'.
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I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
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after watching the food teasing scene in '9 1/2 Weeks'
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Who applies for that job? Who says 'I want to work in lost luggage'? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.
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I used to hunt and fish.
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Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
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I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'