Bill Engvall Quotes
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at the beach
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Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.
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Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.
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Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.
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I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.
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Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, 'Hey...' (pantomimes hitting his son) 'We don't hit'. He looked at me like, 'Here's your sign, Dad'.
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My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
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I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.
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playing golf with his friends
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Who applies for that job? Who says 'I want to work in lost luggage'? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.
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I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47.
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I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.'
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No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.
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I don't pick on people.
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on being condescended to by a flight attendant Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.
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Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.
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Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
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Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway
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A Decade of Laughs (2004)
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The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'
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I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.
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I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
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As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.
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What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.