Bill Engvall Quotes
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People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
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About magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying.
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A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!
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I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
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about trampolines
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Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
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A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
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Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
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I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
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If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
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Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
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Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
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on holiday in Hawaii
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playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends
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watching a baseball game in Los Angeles
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Here's Your Sign (1996)
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I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.
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If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.
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about 'TV golfers' who try to help other people out
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I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
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(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) 'Hey...' (cracks) You paid to see it... 'hey... Ever eaten a worm?' (2nd fish) 'What? When did you ever eat a worm?' 'Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank... trying to catch our breath...' - thank you, for those of you who got that...
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Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called 'Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper.' Just how 'rapidly' are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play 'Beat the Clock' in the thicket.
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To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
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I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.