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the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.
Erma Bombeck -
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
Erma Bombeck -
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
Erma Bombeck -
Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.
Erma Bombeck -
I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.
Erma Bombeck -
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
Erma Bombeck -
Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.
Erma Bombeck
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
Erma Bombeck -
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck -
Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
Erma Bombeck -
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck -
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
Erma Bombeck -
Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
Erma Bombeck
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Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.
Erma Bombeck -
Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
Erma Bombeck -
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck -
I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
Erma Bombeck -
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck -
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Erma Bombeck
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One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
Erma Bombeck -
If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.
Erma Bombeck -
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
Erma Bombeck -
For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.
Erma Bombeck