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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck -
I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
Erma Bombeck
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck -
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck -
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck -
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck -
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
Erma Bombeck -
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
Erma Bombeck
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
Erma Bombeck -
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
Erma Bombeck -
Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
Erma Bombeck -
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck -
When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
Erma Bombeck -
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck -
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Erma Bombeck -
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
Erma Bombeck -
Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins.
Erma Bombeck -
I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Erma Bombeck -
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Erma Bombeck
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I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.
Erma Bombeck -
Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
Erma Bombeck -
Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
Erma Bombeck -
With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
Erma Bombeck