Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
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When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
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Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?