Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
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I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
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I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.