Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.
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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.