Erma Bombeck Quotes
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When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.