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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
Erma Bombeck -
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
Erma Bombeck -
Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
Erma Bombeck -
I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.
Erma Bombeck -
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck -
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Erma Bombeck -
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Erma Bombeck
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck -
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
Erma Bombeck -
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Erma Bombeck -
A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
Erma Bombeck -
Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
Erma Bombeck -
Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
Erma Bombeck
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck -
Cats invented self-esteem.
Erma Bombeck -
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck -
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck -
My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.
Erma Bombeck -
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck
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No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
Erma Bombeck -
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma Bombeck -
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck -
Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.
Erma Bombeck