Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?