Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.