Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
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I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.