Erma Bombeck Quotes
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
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I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.