Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
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Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
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A child needs your love most when he deserves it least
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.