Erma Bombeck Quotes
-
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
-
My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
-
The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
-
I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.
-
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
-
The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
-
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
-
When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
-
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
-
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
-
It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
-
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
-
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
-
I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
-
Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
-
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
-
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
-
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
-
Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
-
Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
-
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
-
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
-
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
-
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.