Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.