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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
Erma Bombeck -
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
Erma Bombeck -
Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
Erma Bombeck -
I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.
Erma Bombeck -
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
Erma Bombeck -
A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.
Erma Bombeck -
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
Erma Bombeck
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
Erma Bombeck -
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck -
To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
Erma Bombeck -
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Erma Bombeck -
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
Erma Bombeck -
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck -
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
Erma Bombeck -
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
Erma Bombeck -
Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
Erma Bombeck -
Do I have to use my own money?
Erma Bombeck -
It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
Erma Bombeck
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
Erma Bombeck -
I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
Erma Bombeck -
Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
Erma Bombeck -
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck