Erma Bombeck Quotes
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.