Erma Bombeck Quotes
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A child needs your love most when he deserves it least
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.