Erma Bombeck Quotes
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
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With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.