Erma Bombeck Quotes
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A child needs your love most when he deserves it least
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.