Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.