Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.