Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.