Erma Bombeck Quotes
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My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Laugh now, cry later.