Erma Bombeck Quotes
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.