Erma Bombeck Quotes
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.