Erma Bombeck Quotes
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.