Erma Bombeck Quotes
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.