Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Laugh now, cry later.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.