Erma Bombeck Quotes
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.