Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Laugh now, cry later.
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.