Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.