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With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.
Erma Bombeck -
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Erma Bombeck -
Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
Erma Bombeck -
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck -
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck -
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck -
What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
Erma Bombeck
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck -
Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
Erma Bombeck -
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck -
It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
Erma Bombeck -
The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
Erma Bombeck -
When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
Erma Bombeck
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
Erma Bombeck -
Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
Erma Bombeck -
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Erma Bombeck -
Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
Erma Bombeck -
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
Erma Bombeck -
Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
Erma Bombeck
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.
Erma Bombeck -
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
Erma Bombeck -
If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
Erma Bombeck -
I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
Erma Bombeck