Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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Laugh now, cry later.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.