Erma Bombeck Quotes
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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He who laughs.....lasts.
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.