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I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been.
Erma Bombeck -
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
Erma Bombeck
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Erma Bombeck -
For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
Erma Bombeck -
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck -
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck -
It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.
Erma Bombeck -
To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
Erma Bombeck
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
Erma Bombeck -
When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
Erma Bombeck -
The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
Erma Bombeck -
One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
Erma Bombeck -
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck -
I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
Erma Bombeck
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
Erma Bombeck -
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
Erma Bombeck -
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma Bombeck -
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
Erma Bombeck -
If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
Erma Bombeck -
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Erma Bombeck
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.
Erma Bombeck -
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Erma Bombeck -
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
Erma Bombeck -
My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.
Erma Bombeck