Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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He who laughs.....lasts.
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The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
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To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.