Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.