Erma Bombeck Quotes
-
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
-
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
-
To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
-
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
-
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
-
Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
-
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
-
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
-
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
-
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
-
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
-
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
-
Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
-
Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.
-
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
-
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
-
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
-
Cats invented self-esteem.
-
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
-
I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.
-
Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.
-
I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
-
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
-
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.