Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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Success is outliving your failures
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.