Erma Bombeck Quotes
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.
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No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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He who laughs.....lasts.