Erma Bombeck Quotes
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
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Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.