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Success is outliving your failures
Erma Bombeck -
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
Erma Bombeck -
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck -
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
Erma Bombeck -
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck -
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Erma Bombeck -
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
Erma Bombeck
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
Erma Bombeck -
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Erma Bombeck -
If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.
Erma Bombeck -
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
Erma Bombeck -
My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
Erma Bombeck -
There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
Erma Bombeck
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
Erma Bombeck -
I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
Erma Bombeck -
Housework can kill you if done right.
Erma Bombeck -
My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
Erma Bombeck -
He who laughs.....lasts.
Erma Bombeck -
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
Erma Bombeck
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck -
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
Erma Bombeck -
Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.
Erma Bombeck -
The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
Erma Bombeck