Erma Bombeck Quotes
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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He who laughs.....lasts.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.