Erma Bombeck Quotes
-
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
-
My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
-
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-
Housework can kill you if done right.
-
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
-
It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
-
No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
-
A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
-
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
-
Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
-
When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.
-
Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
-
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
-
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
-
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
-
With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
-
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
-
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
-
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
-
He who laughs.....lasts.
-
You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death.
-
My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!