Jack Roy Quotes
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said why should I you never put out for me.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
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What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.