Dane Cook Quotes

I was being chased by a giant crab. Audience laughs That's not funny.

Dane Cook

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Quotes to Explore

• What's great about stand-up is that you can say whatever you want and go around the country, and sometimes the world, and work on it and see how people react. You don't need Standards & Practices or notes from lawyers or producers to tell you what's funny.

  

  Natasha Leggero
  • People
  • Up
  • World

• It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I'm skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big, when I was big, I never thought about it.

  

  Karl Lagerfeld
  • Funny
  • Thought
  • Clothes

• There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast.

  

  J. Michael Straczynski
  • Writing
  • Funny
  • Sad

• Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.

  

  P. J. O'Rourke
  • Funny
  • Situation
  • Saying

• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

  

  Abraham Lincoln
  • Funny
  • Would
  • Wearing

• It's funny, because I've never thought of myself as a Hispanic actor, like in 'American Gangster,' I'm playing an Italian. I've always been fortunate enough to have been allowed to play all these diverse roles.

  

  Yul Vazquez
  • American
  • Funny
  • Myself

• I got tired of books where the boy is a bit thick and the girl's very clever. Why does it have to such an opposition? Why can't they be like the girls and boys that I know personally, who are equally funny and equally cross? Who get things equally wrong and are equally brave? And make the same mistakes?

  

  Patrick Ness
  • Why
  • Girl
  • Funny

• I saw Quentin Tarantino's 'Django Unchained,' and you could say a lot of things against it, but it was incredible fun. I don't like blood and gore, and I am very squeamish about violence, but Tarantino's violence is actually funny.

  

  Salman Rushdie
  • Fun
  • Funny
  • Violence

• Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.

  

  Caitlin Hale
  • Black
  • Funny
  • Day

• And secondly, I would impose a significant state landfill tipping fee and use that tipping fee to fund the billion dollar bond issue that I want to create to produce the funds for all of the environmental challenges that we just went over.

  

  Ed Rendell
  • Challenges
  • Environmental

• There was no welfare state, and people had to rely mainly on the Poor Law - that was all the state provided. It was very degrading, very humiliating. And there was a means test for receiving poor relief.

  

  Barbara Castle
  • People
  • Law
  • Very

• I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

  

  Dane Cook
  • Think
  • Funny
  • Better

• It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious.

  

  Adam McKay
  • Different
  • Funny
  • News

• The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

  

  P. G. Wodehouse
  • Funny
  • End
  • Gun

• I love the studio audience. That's where I feel the most at home. You know right away if you're being funny or not.

  

  Kaley Cuoco
  • Funny
  • Feel
  • Audience

• I'm probably the guy who keeps it loose around the room and tries to joke around with guys before the game, keeping things funny.

  

  Patrick Kane
  • Guy
  • Game
  • Funny

• I was always in trouble from an early age. I had a fraught relationship with my parents, who were very traditional. Doing plays at school was a joyous release.

  

  Naveen Andrews
  • School
  • Age
  • Parents

• I think that it's hard for vain people to be funny. I think you can look any way you want as long as you have a good sense of humor about yourself. People who are concerned with their looks and what they're wearing and how they present themselves tend to have less of a sense of humor about themselves.

  

  Taran Killam
  • People
  • Good
  • Long

• In India, you're taught that there are certain qualities that make you a divine human being.

  

  Deepak Chopra

• Finding your soul begins by discovering our ability to listen! Alternatively, by sharing a smile, a laugh and just by being human to everyone - from friends, colleagues, family, and especially strangers, including those who are not from the same station in life as you.

  

  Om Malik
  • Life
  • Family
  • Friends

• No, but women are saying, and they say, are you crazy? But because they've had children since they were 20 years old. I haven't. So I had a child when I was 43, and now he's really out with his friends.

  

  Cheryl Tiegs
  • Women
  • Children
  • Friends

• Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize... Only be sure always to call it please "research".

  

  Tom Lehrer
  • Remember
  • Eye
  • Lord

• I was being chased by a giant crab. Audience laughs That's not funny.

  

  Dane Cook
  • Funny