Milton Berle Quotes
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An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
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My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
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The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
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Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
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Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.