Ogden Nash Quotes
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There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.'
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Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!
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Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.
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Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was.
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I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.
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Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.
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A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
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The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.
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A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.
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Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going.
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O money, money, money. I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy, but I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly.
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The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?
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Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.
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Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers.
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But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them,
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Winter is the king of showmen, Turning tree stumps into snowmen And houses into birthday cakes And spreading sugar over lakes. Smooth and clean and frosty white, The world looks good enough to bite. That’s the season to be young, Catching snowflakes on your tongue. Snow is snowy when it’s snowing, I’m sorry it’s slushy when it’s going.
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The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.
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If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.
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There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin.
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A cough is something that you yourself cant help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you.
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No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.
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So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else.
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Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.
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I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament.