Tommy Cooper Quotes
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I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
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My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
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A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
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I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
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Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
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Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.