Bill Bailey Quotes

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Bill Bailey

• Humor
• Confused
• Philosophical

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Bill Bailey

• Surprise
• Disappointment
• Kinder

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Bill Bailey

• Life
• Couple
• Hands

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Bill Bailey

• Littles
• Scene
• Tedious

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

Bill Bailey

• Jokes
• Walks
• Format

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

• Humor
• Aspect
• Walks

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Bill Bailey

• Funny
• Comedy
• Vegetarian

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

Bill Bailey

• Comedy
• Modern
• Vegetarian

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Bill Bailey

• Knowing
• Someone
• Contentment

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

• Funny
• Humor
• Shows