-
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
-
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
-
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
-
If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
-
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
-
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
-
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
-
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.
-
Make your life spectacular. I know I did.
-
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
-
You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
-
You are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.
-
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
-
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
-
The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.
-
I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
-
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
-
I'm much more open to being a supporting actor right now. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it.
-
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
-
All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul.
-
I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.
-
I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.
-
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
-
All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you’ll fly like me.