Kathy Griffin Quotes
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Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, 'You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?'
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People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.
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Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.
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A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
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So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this 'Burka - NO'! 'Burka - BAD'! Like he's one of my dogs!
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I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.
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I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
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Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!
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(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night.........named La Toya!
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There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.
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So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.
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So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)
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(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.
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I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.
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And she's like 'Angie Harmon is here'!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!
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I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.
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(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.
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Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!
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Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.
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I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.
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I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!
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I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
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Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.
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I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!