Kathy Griffin Quotes
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All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys Afghani men aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!
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As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!
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Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.
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Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!
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When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like 'We're fucked'!
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I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.
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The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.
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I have a no-apology policy.
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(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky.....and very hungry!
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If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.
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The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.
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I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!
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She calls me up and says 'Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas'. Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!
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Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).
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Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.
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I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.
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The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.
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I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!
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That's life when you're on the D-list.
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I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!
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And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words 'You have to put this in your act'. And I said 'What, I would never'! Because it's a private time!!
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I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone... it's a joke!
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I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.
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I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.