Kathy Griffin Quotes
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I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?
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I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!
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The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.
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I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.
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I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.
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Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.
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The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.
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(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky.....and very hungry!
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She calls me up and says 'Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas'. Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!
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The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.
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I love to work. I love doing standup.
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I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.
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And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words 'You have to put this in your act'. And I said 'What, I would never'! Because it's a private time!!
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So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like 'So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him'! It was fucking on!!
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Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.
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The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.
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I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!
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Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).
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I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.
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(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like 'We don't know that song yet....it's not even (on the radio)...go Diva....I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to...I don't...??'
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I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!
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I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.
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I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone... it's a joke!
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Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's 'intervention'. And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!