Kathy Griffin Quotes
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I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
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So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American 'ra ra' songs, you know that whole 'I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free.' And they eat that shit up!
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Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.
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So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)
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You know how you get that pre-diarrhoea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants. But I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!
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I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!
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Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.
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I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.
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When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!
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I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
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I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) 'Hi', 'Hi', 'Oh my God....Hi!'
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The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.
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Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.
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I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a 'singer'......the way Courtney Love is a 'singer'.
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She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.
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Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!
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I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, 'Cracky.' Allegedly.
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(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.
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You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.
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Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!
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I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.
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If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying 'Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face.....'
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I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.
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They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say 'now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like 'I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the 'rrrride'... I want the ride!