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When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!
Kathy Griffin -
I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.
Kathy Griffin
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I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.
Kathy Griffin -
I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.
Kathy Griffin -
Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.
Kathy Griffin -
So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)
Kathy Griffin -
It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.
Kathy Griffin -
I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
Kathy Griffin
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Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.
Kathy Griffin -
I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, 'Cracky.' Allegedly.
Kathy Griffin -
Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!
Kathy Griffin -
I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) 'Hi', 'Hi', 'Oh my God....Hi!'
Kathy Griffin -
They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say 'now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like 'I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the 'rrrride'... I want the ride!
Kathy Griffin -
I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.
Kathy Griffin
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Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!
Kathy Griffin -
I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.
Kathy Griffin -
Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.
Kathy Griffin -
I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
Kathy Griffin -
If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying 'Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face.....'
Kathy Griffin -
You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.
Kathy Griffin
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Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
Kathy Griffin -
Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.
Kathy Griffin -
I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a 'singer'......the way Courtney Love is a 'singer'.
Kathy Griffin -
Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!
Kathy Griffin