Kathy Griffin Quotes
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I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
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I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) 'Hi', 'Hi', 'Oh my God....Hi!'
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I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!
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(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.
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The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.
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When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!
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I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.
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I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.
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Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.
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It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.
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So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)
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I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
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Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.
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I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, 'Cracky.' Allegedly.
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Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!
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I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a 'singer'......the way Courtney Love is a 'singer'.
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She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.
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I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.
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Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
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They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say 'now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like 'I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the 'rrrride'... I want the ride!
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(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.
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Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!
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You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.
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I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.