Kathy Griffin Quotes
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Impersonating Celine) 'Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children'...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?
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There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.
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(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!
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A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.
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Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!
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I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!
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I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.
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She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is 'Puff' or 'Daddy,' she'll fuck you.
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Because Oprah would be like 'DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???'
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My act is based on my life.
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Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.
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I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!
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Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like 'Oh, stigmata?'. No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!
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All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys Afghani men aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!
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So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
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As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!
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The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.
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I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
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When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like 'We're fucked'!
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When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.
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Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.
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Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.
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I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?
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I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.