Kathy Griffin Quotes
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Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like 'I'm out'?
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What? Steven Spielberg is furious with me? I won't be able to star in any more Steven Spielberg movies? What will I do with my day? Suck my dick!!
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Impersonating Celine) 'Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children'...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?
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We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??
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Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like 'Oh, stigmata?'. No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!
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I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
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(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!
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Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.
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A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.
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She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is 'Puff' or 'Daddy,' she'll fuck you.
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Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!
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So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
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I love to work. I love doing standup.
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I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!
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I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?
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I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!
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When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.
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Because Oprah would be like 'DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???'
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I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.
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My act is based on my life.
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The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.
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I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.
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All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys Afghani men aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!
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The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.