Mark Twain Quotes
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She takes an undaughterful pleasure in noting that now the newspapers are beginning to concede with heartiness that she does not need the help of my name, but can make her way quite satisfactorily upon her own merits. This is insubordination, and must be crushed.
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The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly. In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me, and in every instance the thing required was against nature. Against nature, but not against the laws of nature.
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Adam, at Eve's grave: Wheresoever she was, THERE was Eden.
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Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
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Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
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It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
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I have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came along.
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Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.
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Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
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Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
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Try as you may, you don't get down as you would from a horse, you get down as you would from a house afire. You make a spectacle of yourself every time.
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Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
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Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
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The first thing I ever noticed about Miss Lyon was her incredible laziness. Laziness was my own specialty, & I did not like this competition. Dear me, I was to find out, in the course of time, that in the matter of laziness I was a runaway train on a down grade & she a-standing still. At my very laziest I could hear myself whiz, when she was around.
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'In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot'
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I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
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Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
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Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
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My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
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It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
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The Erie railroad kills 23 to 46; the other 845 railroads kill an average of one-third of a man each; and the rest of that million, amounting in the aggregate to that appalling figure of 987,631 corpses, die naturally in their beds! You will excuse me from taking any more chances on those beds. The railroads are good enough for me.
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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.