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The Erie railroad kills 23 to 46; the other 845 railroads kill an average of one-third of a man each; and the rest of that million, amounting in the aggregate to that appalling figure of 987,631 corpses, die naturally in their beds! You will excuse me from taking any more chances on those beds. The railroads are good enough for me.
Mark Twain -
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Mark Twain
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Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Mark Twain -
'In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot'
Mark Twain -
The minister gave out his text and droned along monotonously through an argument that was so prosy that many a head by and by began to nod - and yet it was an argument that dealt in limitless fire and brimstone and thinned the predestined elect down to a company so small as to be hardly worth the saving.
Mark Twain -
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Mark Twain -
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
Mark Twain -
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
Mark Twain
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
Mark Twain -
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain -
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
Mark Twain -
She takes an undaughterful pleasure in noting that now the newspapers are beginning to concede with heartiness that she does not need the help of my name, but can make her way quite satisfactorily upon her own merits. This is insubordination, and must be crushed.
Mark Twain -
It is my hope sir, that the ass who invented the 'age of consent'-any age of consent between cradle and grave-is with his progenitors in hell, and that the legislatures that are keeping the resulting law in force will follow him soon.
Mark Twain -
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Mark Twain
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The first thing I ever noticed about Miss Lyon was her incredible laziness. Laziness was my own specialty, & I did not like this competition. Dear me, I was to find out, in the course of time, that in the matter of laziness I was a runaway train on a down grade & she a-standing still. At my very laziest I could hear myself whiz, when she was around.
Mark Twain -
...a professor in one of the great female colleges. That odious form is common, and I submit and use it, though it offends me as much as it would to say female brickbat or female snow-storm or female geography.
Mark Twain -
There warn't anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn't any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it's cool. If you notice, most folks don't go to church only when they've got to; but a hog is different.
Mark Twain -
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain -
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Mark Twain -
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.
Mark Twain
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The trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, is the most degraded of all trades.
Mark Twain -
The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly. In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me, and in every instance the thing required was against nature. Against nature, but not against the laws of nature.
Mark Twain -
Formerly, if you killed a man, it was possible that you were insane-but now, if you, having friends and money, kill a man, it is evidence that you are a lunatic.
Mark Twain -
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark Twain