Dylan Moran Quotes
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My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm... One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.
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EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
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Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.
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I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.
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I don’t even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they’re described in police radio reports…. Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they’ve given up on speech… plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.
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Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.
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Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, 'What is this? This is pointless! It's- you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody- why are we on a traffic island?'
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America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.
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If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
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'This is our Smeg fridge, the whole house is made of Smeg. We're made of Smeg, aren't we, Roy?' 'Yes, dear.'
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I don't watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when you're alone and someone's voice is coming through their work. There's a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.
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Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
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I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!
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You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.
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One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
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'I Know. I Know! Let's Go Potholing! In Croatia!' 'Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift... Me!'
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Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.
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When I was young, all the politicians looked like ancient Latin teachers or greengrocers. They were mumbly, stumbly men with their hair blowing in their eyes, walking into trees, opening the wrong door. They had no idea how to present themselves.
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Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.
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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
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Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. 'What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!'
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So, what else is going on? Music? Fine, here is The Beatles, The Stones come here later this evening, there is The Velvet Underground, Janis Joplin has just gone to lunch. So, do you want something to do in between now and then, I'd grow my hair and fornicate if I were you.
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I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.