Dylan Moran Quotes
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I don’t even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they’re described in police radio reports…. Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they’ve given up on speech… plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.
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Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, 'What is this? This is pointless! It's- you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody- why are we on a traffic island?'
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My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm... One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.
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You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.
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America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.
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Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
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One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
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I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!
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Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.
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The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
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Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.
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Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.
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I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.
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If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
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I would never really analyse what I do. I leave that to other people - I'm not a critic. I just want to get on with whatever I have in hand, you know? Just try to make the best job of the available material.
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Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. 'What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!'
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'I Know. I Know! Let's Go Potholing! In Croatia!' 'Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift... Me!'
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I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
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The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself.
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Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.
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I wanted to show off - a simple impulse or drive; in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural; it just depends on how you want to show off.
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I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.