Dylan Moran Quotes
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My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm... One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.
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I don’t even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they’re described in police radio reports…. Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they’ve given up on speech… plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.
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EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
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Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.
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Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, 'What is this? This is pointless! It's- you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody- why are we on a traffic island?'
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Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.
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If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
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'This is our Smeg fridge, the whole house is made of Smeg. We're made of Smeg, aren't we, Roy?' 'Yes, dear.'
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Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
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America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.
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You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.
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I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!
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One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
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I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.
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'I Know. I Know! Let's Go Potholing! In Croatia!' 'Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift... Me!'
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Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.
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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
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We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
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I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.
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The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
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Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. 'What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!'
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Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.
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I would never really analyse what I do. I leave that to other people - I'm not a critic. I just want to get on with whatever I have in hand, you know? Just try to make the best job of the available material.
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I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.