Jerry Coleman Quotes
Quotes to Explore
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I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers.
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What's great about stand-up is that you can say whatever you want and go around the country, and sometimes the world, and work on it and see how people react. You don't need Standards & Practices or notes from lawyers or producers to tell you what's funny.
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I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.
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I found out early in life that I could hit a baseball farther than most players, and that's what I tried to do.
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It may sound funny, but it's true: I tried to put myself through the 12-step program. I didn't want to attend a real meeting; my role didn't really require that, and I feel those meetings are sort of sacred, and they're anonymous for a reason. I tried to deal with some of my love of snacks - and I relapsed a lot.
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I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Don't I have the numbers to be inducted?
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Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
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I think anyone who behaves boorishly but without a good sense of humor is not as fun to watch.
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Playing baseball is fun. If I could play, I'd never retire. But managing is work. It's constant decisions of whose feelings you want to hurt all the time.
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The thing I like about baseball is that it's one-on-one. You stand up there alone, and if you make a mistake, it's your mistake. If you hit a home run, it's your home run.
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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
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Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.
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Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.
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I like children - fried.
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I lived the baseball life as a kid, with my dad in it. And I lived the baseball life as an adult, because I was in it. When I retired, I wanted the opportunity to be a little bit more flexible and home-based for my kids.
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I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
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When you are away from the game and busy with other areas, you realize that the world does not revolve around baseball.
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The black press, some liberal sportswriters, and even a few politicians were banging away at those Jim Crow barriers in baseball. I never expected the walls to come tumbling down in my lifetime.
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If the writing is good, then the writing is already funny. All you have to do is make this funny writing true to the very deepest of your heart, and the fact that you are capable of making this true will be hysterical.
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They wanted me to do movies and television when I was very young, and it was a big temptation, but I really thought the only way I could learn the profession was on the stage.
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I've come to realize that the difference in success or failure is not how you look, how you dress, or how you're educated. It's how you think !
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At a well in a yard they met a man who was beating a boy. The stick burst into a flower in the mans hand. He tried to drop it, but it stuck to his hand. His arm became a branch, his body the trunk of a tree, his feet took root.
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If I could only have one grooming tool, it would be floss. I don't want to have broken Cheetos in my teeth. To protect myself from the sun, I can find shade under a tree. To moisturize my skin, I could get really sweaty and then just rub it on myself. But how are you going to clean between your teeth without floss?
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Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
