Evan Esar Quotes
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Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven.
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Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
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You can't judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.
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If you don't like to make excuses or apologies, stop making promises.
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Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.
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Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure.
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Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
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The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.
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Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.
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The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
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Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
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Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.
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Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.
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A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.
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The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
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You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.
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A mathematician is a scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.
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Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
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Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.
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Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
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Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.
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A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.
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Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.
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A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.